Random thoughts

Just some random thoughts on Harper's birthday that I don't want to forget.

• When I first came into the hospital I spent time watching stupid movies like "Bring it on" and "Enchanted", it was great to have such mindless fluff to watch.
• Popsicles are only good to a point, after about 4 of those I was tired of them. Being hungry was one of the worst things about the labor process. I had eaten at 8pm and wasn't hungry when we left for the hospital. I wish I had eaten something, by 10am my stomach was growling. By 3 pm with the extreme hunger and sleep deprivation, I could have killed someone. However I was surpised that I really didn't get snippy at all and G and I got along all day.
• The first nurse was really condescending and I didn't like her, I was glad her shift ended. I really liked the nurse I got after that. She and the Resident who helped when it was time to push were awesome and having nice staff I think really helped the day go by.
• I was surprised how little I saw my doc. I only got checked internally 3 times the whole day and he only did 1 of those. Then he came back to catch the baby basically. I was fine with that, just not how I thought it would go.
• At one point early on Gary and I were watching my contractions on the monitor and they were going about half way up the chart and I remember saying to him that I wondered if they ever went all the way to the top. Ummm, they do and it freaking sucks. How anyone gets by without an epidural is beyond me, you ladies are rock starts.
• Once I wanted the epidural and couldn't get it, it was excrutiating to have to wait. I mean I understood b/c the lady got paged, but that was a really bad hour or so while I sat with monster contractions and they really drained a lot of energy out of me.
• The last time before it was time to push they checked me and I was 5-6 cm and 100% effaced. This happened really quickly from the previous 3cm check beforehand. Anyway I was sitting there and heard this awful gurgling noise between my legs. It happened a few times and I called the nurse, who got the doctor. It took awhile for the doc to come and it kept happening. It ended up being the baby moving down and pushing air out, it was so gross. But this is what got the show on the road. I knew something was off and they checked me and said I could go ahead and push or let her head come down a little more, she was at -1 station. So, we let her slide out a little more on her own.
• When it was getting close to time to push, I got really really nauseous and couldn't stop crying. I guess I just got a big surge of hormones, it was all so overwhelming.
• I pushed for about 1.5 hours. I was scared of that, but it didn't hurt as I thought it would. It was really awkward to try and hold my legs though b/c they were so dead and my right hand was dead to the world from the RV. A nurse held one leg and my mom held the other leg most of the time. Everyone was right, modesty is out the door, I never thought I'd go for that.
• Gary was great the whole day. When I was pushing, he rubbed my shoulder and told me to push push push and reminded me to keep my chin down. He did manage to stay up above and don't think he got sight of anything too nightmarish, lol.
• It was a total nightmare after she was out. Sitting there waiting to pass the placenta and get my stitch, with everyone running around her and not really knowing what if anything was wrong. Waiting to hear her cry. Minutes turned into hours. It was not fun. And only getting to spend like 5 mins with her literally after she was born, it took me awhile to really absorb that I had a daughter. I felt bad the first visit or two, like I didn't really feel like she was mine. It was weird, but it changed at some point and I started to feel the fiercely protective bond. But it did not happen right away at all.
• Being the world's biggest wuss, I can definitely say, that with an epidural at least, labor is really nothing to be scared of.
• Gary has been so good with Harper. It really is lovely to see them together. She totally knows his voice and looks for him when he talks. He's going to be a great daddy.
• It's really freaking annoying how often you get woken up when you want to sleep at the hospital. Last night they came to check my vitals twice while I was trying to finally get some sleep.
• Nothing prepares you for the mess that comes out of you over the next few days after vaginal birth. Yuck. But I am sooooo happy that I didn't have to have an episiotomy, I'm sure that makes it 10 times worse. I have one little stitch and it hurts enough. I can't imagine dealing with a serious tear.

Sleepy Harper

Harper Danielle is here

Hi everyone. Yesterday at 6:06 I gave birth to our daughter. Harper Danielle, she is 6 lbs 14 oz and 20 inches. long.

My water broke a little after midnight on Sunday morning. I got up thinking I had to pee and I thought I'd pee'd myself a little bit. I went to the bathroom and it didn't stop. But it wasn't all what I would have expected. So I danced around the bathroom for a bit and then gush. So, I knew at that point and promptly freaked out and woke Gary up. I couldn't remember for the life of me if we went to the hospital when my water broke or not. I called the answering service and never got a call back. So, I waited an hour and got put on hold and got pissed an hung up after about 5 mins. At this point I was starting to get really hot and thought I might be getting a fever. I knew that I was positive for strep B and needed to be on an IV of anti-b's well before baby got here. So, we decided to go to the hospital.

I got checked in right away and we were in our room at about 1:30. At this point I was having random contractions and they weren't that bad at all. Over the morning, after my first check up, they scared me a few times telling me if I didn't get into active labor on my own soon that they would give me petocin. The first thing I had to get was an IV. I was very nervous about this, I am not good with needles. The gal doing it was nice, but she put it in on the left side and after a few sticks my vein rolled, so that was far from pleasant. Then she moved to the other side and got it in, but it was in a really funky spot and left me without control of my right hand pretty much and bothered me all day. But the last thing I wanted was to be stuck again, so I just left it alone. Alllllll day long it bothered me and my right hand swelled up, so it was pretty much useless for me to grab my legs with later in the day. Around 3:30 Gary ran home to let the dogs out b/c our dogsitter wasn't coming over until 7 or 8 and we were worried about our first babies. While he was gone things really got going and I started having regular contractions and they hurt. At this point I still had the illusion in my head that I could probably make it w/o an epidural. Tuttttt tuuttt. That lasted for maybe 30 more mins, then they really kicked in and I was only about 2 cms dilated, so too early for an epi. I asked the nurse for a little something to take the edge off and they gave me Nubane (sp?). Loved it. It took the edge off and doped me up and I really wanted to sleep, I wanted to sleep soooo bad. And I totally could of on this stuff, but people kept coming in. First the docs for another check, then the anesthesiologist to tell me about that and give me forms to sign, then the cord bank stuff, then the nurse and by the time this parade of people was over around 7/8 am the Nubane had worn off enough that it still numbed the contractions a bit, but not enough to sleep over.

At some point I decided I wanted an epi, the contractions had gotten so much worse. Boy that is some serious pain there! I knew I was a wuss, but sheesh. I called for the epidural and they told Gary to leave. They started to clean off my back when the person administering it got called to the ER. So, just like that I was left in a lurch with contractions going OFF the chart on my bedside monitor. I was left like that for about an hour and by the time Gary came back into the room (they told him to get lost for 20 mins) I was pretty much crying and hyperventilating through each one. Poor guy looked so scared, but what could he do. So, I had 2 hours or so of the big contractions. But eventually the nurse found a doc to do my epi, I think it was around 2pm. I was scared I wouldn't be able to sit still, but I did. It wasn't a great feeling by any means, but I didn't think the epi hurt nearly as bad as the IV and I got through it relatively calm, except that a contraction hit and I had to work so hard to sit still. I only had like 2 more painful contractions after that and felt fine the rest of the time. By the next check I was already between 5-6 cm (previously had been 3 and threatened with petocin again). Those 2 hours of major contractions did their job. The epi was great, but also awful b/c I was now bed bound, not that I had been up and about nearly as much as I would have envisioned. With the belly monitors and IV it's hard to go anywhere. But by the time it came time to push I realized that my legs had swollen to gargantuan proportions and I could barely bend my knees, which was really gross.

I started pushing around 4:45 and it was hard b/c I just couldn't tell if I was pushing effectively. My right leg was like a dead weight I could do nothing with it. But I could feel my feet and my leg leg pretty well. I had a really great resident gal who sat with me the whole time I pushed and massaged my perineum internally and would coach me to push her fingers and was really great. I didn't think I wanted resident around, but she was awesome. I only saw my actual doc for like 20-40 mins the whole day, including when he caught the baby. So, I pushed for a little over an hour, maybe like 10 sets of pushing. It didn't hurt at all really, was just tiring. I had been up for like 18 hours at this point and was just exhausted. My mom, Gary and his mom were in the room. I had thought I only wanted Gary there, but I was so tired I just didn't care anymore and you guys were right my modesty was right out the window. No episotomy, no hemorrhoids popping out! I got by with one stitch from a teeny tear. I would say overall labor was horribly tiring and the worst was really being tired and hungry.

On that final push they put her on my belly and its just shocking how blue and waxy they are. It scared me to death. She was wiggling around and I got to take a look, but then they snatched her away. And all kinds of people came in and long story short my little Harper is in NICU. It sucks sooooo badly. I only got to hold her for like 5 mins before they took her away. The main reason being that she never cried. She was breathing, just not making a sound, not a peep and I heard several conversations asking how far along I was, they seemed to think she was exhibiting the motor skills of a preemie....so there are some "tone" and "reflex" issues as well. The whole thing was a whirlwind and everyone was really very nice, but it's the worst feeling in the world to see your baby over in the little warmer with like 5 people gathered around trying to make her right. The docs took her away and came back to talk to us at like 7:30. They brought her back to me around 9 and we tried to feed her, but she wasn't having it. She just wanted to sleep. So, they took her away to the NICU to stay overnight and unfortunately put her on an IV. So sad for her. Gary took my mom home around 10 and while he was gone, they moved me to postpartum. He got back around 11 and went and spent some time with Harper. I slept for a few hours, then went in there around 1. She finally cried while I was in there, thank god. But we are not out of the woods yet. I spent some time with her, but they put her in one of those incubators with the arm holes, I couldn't deal with it. So, I came back and went to bed for about 4 hours.

I got up at 6 this morning and went to try and feed her again. She's kind of getting it, but I'm not making anything right now. I thought I was, but after she refused to eat, I came back to use the pump and nothing is coming out anyway. I don't know anything right now. I spent some time with her and am waiting for breakfast, then I am going to shower and go back to the nursery and spend some more time with her. I know they won't let her off the IV until she eats and I don't seem to be making any milk, so I don't know how all of that is going to work out. We may be here longer than the normal 48 hours, at least she might. I don't know if I will stay here or go home since we live close. So, the worry and the wait continues. It sucks.

Please excuse the grammatical errors as I am exhausted.

Grounded until she's on solid foods

I am grounding this baby until she is on solid foods, whats that about 7/8 months old. I can't believe I am at work on Friday. If you had told me last Friday when I was doubled over in the mall from back spasms/contractions that I would make it a whole another week at work I would have laughed in your face. I knew this baby was coming out. Yet here I sit. Yesterday was almost pain free aside from some nauseating heartburn, and so far today I got out of bed and ready for work a lot easier than I have earlier in the week. Bah. I'm also sleeping pretty solidly, only getting up twice the past 2 nights to hit the bathroom. Crazy. I am staring my due date in the face, I have 5 days to go. Yes I know that most people are overdue with their first. I'm fine with that, I am just scared to death of being induced and every day I get closer to my due date that's an inch closer to the doc saying we should just induce me. And b/c I am so sick of this I doubt I'll put up much fight. Or he might want to sweep my membranes, which aside from the possible health issues, just grosses me out and I don't look forward to that pain. I know I am over thinking all of this, but I'm sure all of you did too, you just might not have journaled as neurotically about it :)

Maybe Harper/Magnolia/Elise/Elanore/Ruby will make her debut this weekend. If not, I think I am just going to work through the 22nd, which is my due date... I have a doc appt that day, I'll get an internal and unless nothing has changed; I think I'll just throw in the towel as far as trying to save my days off. I don't want to be here, I am not being productive and maybe if I lay around at home things would be more likely to get started.

The calm before the storm?

I feel weirdly okay today. I got out of bed with little effort, I was wide awake and had little back pain. What the heck. After being miserable for so many days why am I getting a reprieve? Not that I'm complaining, but I can't help but wonder if its the calm before the storm. My little gal has barely been moving the last day or so. She's okay I'm sure, there have been hiccups and a few big moves, but not active as I am used to. The MIL told me that you'll know its time b/c everything gets really calm and still in the belly. Maybe there's something to it. We shall see.

I walked a mile yesterday with the dogs and I spent an hour last night while I watched America's Next Top Model (how bizarre is Tyra Banks!, love it) bouncing on my yoga ball. I really enjoyed it, I am sad I waited so long to sit on it. It really does take pressure off and let you sit in a comfy position and I can totally buy why it would help move birth along. From what I read online the bouncing, helps bounce the baby's head gently against the cervix helping to open it up. Sure, why not, I buy it.

Memo to coworkers

Dear co-worker -

It really isn't funny to constantly ask/tell the pregnant woman

"Are you still here" When obviously I am, you're looking at me and I must hear this 10 times a day
"When are you going to have that baby already" Yeah as if I know
"When's your last day" Again as if I know
"You look like you've dropped" When I dropped weeks ago
"Are you sure your not having twins?" Kiss my ass
"How much weight HAVE you gained" nunya biz
"Can't you take the rest of the time off?" Don't make me cry about how sucky maternity leave rules/pay are

39 weeks

I made it another week. I made it to 39. I guess I should take another belly shot, but the belly is pretty unremarkable since she dropped. It is much smaller than before. It's really freaky though when she moves a certain way some part of her, I believe it's her little toosh gets right under my belly button and sticks out so far it hurts. I don't like that. She doesn't move much anymore, but when she does, it's definitely big sweeping changes of position and it doesn't feel so great. She seems to like (or maybe hate) bath time, the position of sitting or the warm water in the tub seems to rouse her. I am not a bath taker. I hate baths, something about sitting in dirty water and I never feel like the tub is clean. Anyway since the back pain started last Friday I have been taking baths like its my job. It's the only time my back doesn't hurt. I did break down and take some tylenol last night b/c after taking the dogs for a walk I just wanted to cry b/c of the back pain, it helped.

So, obviously no baby yet. I did lose part of my mucus plug I believe. At least I finally saw some darker discharge that came out in little chunks (sorry Josh :) ). That was on Monday night. On Tuesday I was at work and I went to go pee....and I stood up and I am used to a little trickle so I am prepared for that, but instead I got a huge gush, it was awful. For a minute I of course thought my water broke (searching for signs aren't I!) b/c you read so often about people's water breaking when they were going to the bathroom. But I had to run to a meeting. The whole time I sat in the meeting trying to figure out if I was still leaking or if it was just my soggy underwear :) It was awful. Ahhhh the indignities of pregnancy, aren't you glad I share too much! In the afternoon around 2 I had another pretty intense contraction and then another about 20 mins later and then another! I though oh maybe maybe please let this be it. I'd say I had 4-5 over 2 hours and I was feeling very nauseous and kind of spaced out. So, I figured just in case I'd head home, so I left work about an hour early. Got home and snuggled down with the dogs in bed had another 2-3 between 4 & 6 and then nothing, nada. So frustrating. I never understood how people turned to home remedies like nipple tweaking and raspberry tea and sex with their hubbies (the horror!), but I get it now. I am so ready for her to make her appearance.

We've been talking about names more and more. Gary really like Harper, I really like Magnolia and Eleanore. I can't wait to see her little face and get the name figured out. I sat in my glider in her bedroom last night, I really love our nursery. I am so thankful my sister is so talented and we were able to make such a lovely little room.